What is Drastic + Dramatic

Sunday, September 06, 2009


Just a girl in her empty boat
Floating hardly beyond the rocks,
Ocean licking, looking for a way in.
Without a paddle the waves steer
Her and her half walnut shell
Along nutcracker cliffs.
She lays her body in the bottom,
Palms pressed into the side
Of her empty boat.
From a wood-framed view
She sees clouds in the sky
Pitching to and fro
Turning darker, churning.
Their juices spill on her skin
And the ocean spits on her clothes.
Eyes closed she does not see
The rock that wounds the wood,
Ocean bleeding into her bed,
Emptiness filling
From above and below.
Body pressed and still,
Water replaces air
In her empty boat.
The flood tries to refill
The dry riverbed of tears
Mapped upon her cheeks
Pooling gently on lidded eyes
Until the wet wraps her whole.
Eyes open she can see
What a fish must see
When it looks to the rim
Of its empty bowl
Filled with water.
She watches the ocean surface
Blend into the sky
Until water replaces air
In her empty lungs.
Welcomed to the calm ocean floor
Just the girl in her empty boat.

(note to those who may worry: this is not a literary reflection of my personal inner workings at this time.
Another note: I will be submitting certain pieces of writing to that Touchstones magazine at my school again, and I'd like to have your editorial notations and suggestions for any of my more recent musings into poetry, What's Mine is Yours, Crackers, See Through, and About Time. And please, if you have suggestions for this one, Empty, please make your notes! And tell other people you know that like to read to read them too and make their comments, because I don't have an editor, so you will be my eyes and ears to what I don't see or hear 'off' with my pieces. For example, I already think with this Empty piece, that I might delete the first line or the last two lines, or change some of the words throughout. So as you can see I'm open to your suggestions! Thanks beautiful readers!)


J. Coombs said...

I like it. A lot.
Just a suggestion from my end: I'd change "wooden-framed" to "wood-framed". It seems to flow a little smoother and it seems to make a little more sense to me since the boat IS wood, not just wooden.
I liked it though. A little dark, but the world isn't always puppy dogs, rainbows and skittles, huh? ;)

emilyf said...

What if I changed it to third person, and said "she" and "her" instead of "I" and "me?" for example

She curves her body in the bottom
Pressing palms into the side
Of her empty boat...
Eyes closed she does not see
The rock that cuts the wood,
Ocean bleeding into her bed,
Her emptiness filling
From above and below

(I'll make that change about emptiness instead of empty boat there at that last part, pretty sure)...

J. Coombs said...

Actually, yeah. I like in 3rd person a lot. It makes it a little easier to place yourself into the poem. When you use "I" it kind of forces you to be an observer.
I like the 3rd person a lot.

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