tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10628003.post299252149294147620..comments2024-03-02T04:37:48.100-07:00Comments on Dramastic: Emptyemilyfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17014206204170797788noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10628003.post-70107676106917715022009-09-09T10:01:45.084-06:002009-09-09T10:01:45.084-06:00Actually, yeah. I like in 3rd person a lot. It mak...Actually, yeah. I like in 3rd person a lot. It makes it a little easier to place yourself into the poem. When you use "I" it kind of forces you to be an observer.<br />I like the 3rd person a lot.J. Coombshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04514545916968089844noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10628003.post-65748857624254899672009-09-08T16:04:47.682-06:002009-09-08T16:04:47.682-06:00What if I changed it to third person, and said &qu...What if I changed it to third person, and said "she" and "her" instead of "I" and "me?" for example<br /><br />She curves her body in the bottom<br />Pressing palms into the side<br />Of her empty boat...<br />Eyes closed she does not see<br />The rock that cuts the wood,<br />Ocean bleeding into her bed,<br />Her emptiness filling<br />From above and below<br /><br />(I'll make that change about emptiness instead of empty boat there at that last part, pretty sure)...emilyfhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17014206204170797788noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10628003.post-82101469428831074492009-09-07T14:39:20.018-06:002009-09-07T14:39:20.018-06:00I like it. A lot.
Just a suggestion from my end: I...I like it. A lot.<br />Just a suggestion from my end: I'd change "wooden-framed" to "wood-framed". It seems to flow a little smoother and it seems to make a little more sense to me since the boat IS wood, not just wooden.<br />I liked it though. A little dark, but the world isn't always puppy dogs, rainbows and skittles, huh? ;)J. Coombshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04514545916968089844noreply@blogger.com