Good Night

I might not have much time left.

That is, I took a late, long nap today and I've cheated tonight with some "sleep aid" pills. I don't take them often so when I do, they work pretty well. They knock me out pretty decently. So I may not have much time to write.

But I just waaaaanna!

Not sure about what.

I've been exercising pretty consistently for a few weeks now and I feel great. Even if no one else notices, I feel great. I feel attractive, even though there's always room to push myself and improve. Bodies are cool. I've been blessed with a really healthy one and I'm ever so grateful for that.

Did you have a letter from the First Presidency of the church read to you in church recently? We had two. One was about not relying on self-help institutions. Lately, and especially since hearing that, I've been noticing how maaaany groups there are that promise to change a person, improve a person, make lasting alterations to a person. I see them and I recognize how the gospel of Jesus Christ will do all that and more, for free...well, for the price of sacrifice. Which is often a price these groups try to avoid. They want to make us comfortable in our inconsistencies, cradle us into accepting 'who we are' over who we should become. Of course many have great intentions, but what does it all boil down to? Will power. Choosing, deciding for one's self. If we use our faith to dig deep into ourselves and humility to allow our weaknesses to be revealed to us, then gospel living will bring the Spirit of God to sweep in and surround us, support us and truly change us.

The Spirit of God. He enters a physical, mortal sphere and is the only thing that can touch our spirits. Of course he has many means, but he always has a hand in it. Like positive and inspiring music, or nature. Oh how nature can melt my heart sometimes! Even when it's a landscaped covered in blasted snow. :) That momentary pause where our spirit recalls a majestic Creator...that's the Spirit's power in nature. I'm grateful for such a strategically designed world where everything physical can teach us something spiritual. That is a perfect design.

Another thing that's been on my mind is marriage. I'm not married and sometimes I think I'd like to be. I've been setting and committing myself to a bunch of goals and I'm glad to see my productivity and positivity increasing. We sure can do a lot when we set our minds to it. I was thinking in terms of kitchen appliances, as I can tend to, and I thought about how life is like a freezer.

We gather things from time to time to put in there and preserve them for longer. After a while there seems like there isn't more room for anything and then some one else moves in and puts their own food in the freezer (perhaps marked with their initials so it doesn't get eaten by the wrong mouth) and the old frozen goods are organized in such a way to make a lot more room for the other person's food.

Organization of the skills and talents we have can make room for more, and can make room for others, whether it's appreciation for their talents, collaboration with their skills, or making room for a marriage partner. A stretch? yes. But that's the way I think, nearly always, in terms of comparison and analogy.

Anyway...I don't think I'm doing anything wrong in my life that a great guy would avoid me for. I'm making improvements and steps to be ready for whenever and whatever. I learn from the guys that I do date. I learn a ton, actually. I'm glad for that. Most recently I've learned how I care too much on what matters too little. I really took that to heart and actually figured out a way to turn that into a positive energy. I care when it's time to care and don't emotionally project any plans onto anyone. I used to care and then hold on to that caring as though it mattered more than it meant to a guy. A single guy doesn't want to make plans until HE wants to, really. I'm also too accommodating, which I'm trying to repair into a strength...but can't figure it out yet. I'm too willing to see a guy I like, or be available whenever he is. For some guys perhaps that steals the thrill from being a hunter...in a way. If the bunny hops right into your arms while you're setting a trap.....I can see where that loses its charm.

What I HAVE been doing wrong lately is allow affection too early on. Sometimes I wish i lived in the time of "good ol days manners" where it was even alarming for a man and a woman to hold hands. My mind lives there for the most part. I sincerely can not hold a guy's hand as I walk next to him until I trust him and until he's made some sort of commitment to me. Hands signify creation and creativity, following and leading, security and trust, care and commitment, hard work and soft help. When I hold the hand of a man that is taking me somewhere, that to me displays togetherness and love. So HOW can I allow myself to kiss and be kissed before I can even hold his hand? I need to figure that one out. Need to think with my hands... :)

But that would be where I'd put my money on why I'm not in a relationship, one that is connected at the hands: I'm too affectionate when the relationship doesn't merit it. I've let kisses spoil the gradual ascent into friendship. And then the boy stops contacting me and I regret that I let my passions steer me instead of bridling them into a positive force of relationship building. I'm grateful for all I'm learning...from my failures...but I'm pretty tired of doing it my way. Sometimes I want to quit dating, but then I remind myself to quit doing it my way. I try. I just do my best to be me and hope that's the most attractive person that some guy, some day, will ever see.

But if not...I'll keep exercising for me, I'll keep reaching for goals for me and for those whom I can enrich, I'll set my heart and my affections on the creator of my strengths and healer of my frailties. Being single isn't a failure, it's a stage, a level. I am grateful for each day I live, no matter who comes and who goes. As long as I keep myself from going away from God, whom I love so eternally, then it won't matter all my losses or disappointments.

Because when we trust God to hold on to one of our hands, we'll still have two hands to use.

Well, time to dream. :)

Words From A Good Mouth

I agree with this and hope many men and women will read it. Please read and pass it along!


Women Are Worthless

Link above

Tiny Things

My mom adopted a new itty kitty. My sister and I call her Meow. Some of the things she does that seem to be her favorite so far are meow, sleep by day and scurry by night, nuzzle specifically your nose, try to eat whatever you're eating, and just lounge anywhere that involves human body contact.

Last night I slept on my mom's couch --had a late night and didn't want to drive home-- and Meow was playing in the Great Room all night. She diligently checked in with me throughout the night, though, sliding whiskers and fur thoughtfully across my face; pouncing across the length of my body as though seeing in how few landings she could do it; jumping from the floor to my head to whack me once on the forehead; and finally, when it was time for me to wake and be a living thing, she cuddle onto my neck and began her rock-tumbling purr.

I amused her for a while but soon moved her to where she could be comfortable while I could again take command of my head. There was a lot on my mind and it weighed down my desire to rise.

Curiosity that cannot absorb factual information can quickly turn to confusion, much like lungs short on air might turn one blue in the face. Unless relief is received one might faint from doubt and unhappiness. I was experiencing a similar steady stream of feeling and the flood soon rose to my eyes. The tear ducts were soon overwhelmed and the morning sun reflected in the dew gathering on my cheeks.

This shimmer is probably why she even noticed the salty gem slowly tracing from eye to chin. It was most likely the first tear she had ever seen. As I watched her wide, sea-foam green eyes dare the tiny sparkle to move again so she could leap and strike, I marveled that such a tiny creature even noticed it. She didn't have even the slightest recognition of what it was, even less what it could mean, and yet she watched it carefully, curiously.

Not many things that are smaller than a tear can contain so much within themselves. Meow didn't know, she won't ever know, she won't care, she won't remember, but somehow I was glad those tears were witnessed --intently recognized-- without my needing to explain or discuss feeling with a member of my own species.

I wiped those tiny tears away and the tiny kitten closed her eyes. The tiny spot in the universe continued quietly.

New Life

Do you think it would be easier or harder to raise a child...if you were dead? :) This short story is a dialogue of new parents. Only 1436 words. Should you enjoy it, let me know. Cheers

August Short

I've had this idea for a while. I finally spit a version out. I like this pretty well, but it is quite rough... Words 1232; same rhyming/rhythm pattern of the original nursery rhyme gives it a strange flow, but oh well. It was challenging enough just to find the syllables and rhymes to make it all..make sense. cheers

Free

I have written a poem
Whose words capture
The deepest feelings.

Now I will throw it away

Forgiveness

For you to assume that I cannot change
Is to reject anything new that you learn.
Though some things about me were prearranged
I have made changes to correct and to turn
And become the woman I was created to be,
And hope always to embrace possibility.
No power on earth can stunt my efforts divine;
I leave to our God to be your judge and mine.

Seeking anOther Somebody

I would gather the slivers like driftwood,
watch the flames carry the signal,
lie down on the sands where the waves reached just to my feet,
and wait.

July short

Yes, it counts that I'm writing a long story in short parts.... here's part two of my fairytale twist about 6000 words. Holy cow, July's over.

Broken and Contrite

An eternal core
of priceless worth
holds the soul
centered in faith,
encompassed by
endless love.

On the surface
the heart beats
ocean deep, shores above
richly layered pieces
on a perpetual course

Forming the mountains
to surmount
Carving the valleys
of survival
Framing the very discourse
of discovery
Causing foundations
to tremble, confound.

But if so constant,
contrite and open
allowing love to flow,
creating hope,
absorbing light,
budding visions grow,

Then let it ever break
tremble, quake;
for its enduring motion-
negative pull
positive draw
turning and rotation-
produces life
and learning,

Tectonic heart
keep yearning.