What is Drastic + Dramatic

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I work for UPS

And as my brother and I drive around (he drives and I run the packages to your doors) I see a lot of houses. There are a lot of neat houses in Lehi, UT. A lot of dogs, too. I hate little dogs. I have such an itch to kick them but I don't do it. Even though I don't wear a uniform since the one they ordered for me was so way too big, I represent UPS and I just can't kick the dogs.

I see a lot of Christmas decorations, too. What's with the inflatable snowmen, polar bears, penguins, santas, grinches and now snow globes? I noticed them the first time 3 or 4 years ago and I thought they were stupid and ugly then and I'm disappointed to see more as years pass. When morning comes they're crumpled and airless on the deadish grass. I've nearly killed myself on the little ropes they are staked down with as I deliver packages. (Working for UPS as a driver helper takes precise skills and muscles, just like I have. That's why I have the job. It's a rare job; only three weeks out of the year can anyone be a driver helper. And not just anyone, remember. You must have surprising agility and near anti-gravity balance. I haven't fallen (I'm not going to put 'yet') and today I even balanced 1 of 4 packages on my head from the truck to the door step. Surely you see what I mean, you must be a rare, lucky specimen to be a UPS driver helper).

Well, today, as I was working hard, sitting in the jump seat as my brother drove like a maniac I saw someone who took lazy too far. I'm lazy and understand most laziness, but this is just....unforgivable. All I'm going to say is: this home had in its front window, insufficiently (half-should-have-been-whole-ly) hidden by curtains, an inflatable Christmas tree. I can't express to you my disappointment, so I won't try.

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